♪♫♪
Gray skies are gonna clear up,Put on a happy face;Brush off the clouds and cheer up,Put on a happy face.Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,It's not your style;You'll look so good that you'll be gladYa' decide to smile!Pick out a pleasant outlook,Stick out that noble chin;Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,Slap on a happy grin!And spread sunshine all over the place,Just put on a happy face! ♪♫♪
This is what I am doing. Putting on a happy face!
Last week I went to work and found out I didn’t have a job. But don’t worry, I was given another job. I wasn’t totally surprised, but I’m not gonna pretend that it didn’t bother me. Because it did. However, after lots of time praying, and seeking God’s help, I have a new attitude. ♪♫♪ I got a new attitude ♪♫♪ :)
With God’s help I am going to be the best at this job that I can be!
There are other things. Such as the fact that, financially, things are tight right now. I have decided that money really is the root of all evil! I say we go back to the old days, and start trading chickens for cows, etc. Who’s with me?!
Seriously though, it struck me the other day that it is so easy to feel sorry for ourselves. God has blessed me so much, and yet when I go through a little rough patch I start with self pity, and doubt.
Over the last couple weeks, I have been focusing on the negative.
>all these bills are due at once. How am I going to pay everything?
>if I loose my job what in the world will we do?
>why do I constantly struggle with allergies, sinus problems, and asthma?
>the kids have grown so much they’re all 3 going to need new summer clothes!
>gas is sooo expensive!
>how am I going to pay for day care this summer?
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, deep breaths. Close your eyes. Talk to God.
Focus on the positive.
>yes, we have a lot of bills right now, but God is faithful. He has always taken care of us.
>I did NOT loose my job. God prepared the way, and I kept a job. He will help me learn this new position, and perform it to the best of my ability.
>Allergies, and asthma? Things could be worse. Most importantly, the kids are doing well. We haven’t been to the dr. for them for a record length of time! I live in America where I have access to medicines to help me. Some for free!
>Yes, the kids have grown. This is a good thing. My kids are healthy, and growing!!!!!
I went to the thrift store and got an entire cart full of clothes for them for $70!
>we will adjust to gas prices. God will provide. He will take care of us.
>God took care of summer day care too. Alivia will be free, and Scott will be working at home a couple days a week so the kids can stay with him.
God provides. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will make a way.
So, like I said before………….. ♪♫♪I got a new attitude ♪♫♪
I’m going to put on a happy face, and count my blessings!!!!
Philippians 4:4-9
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Peace and love to all!
~Charmaine
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
It's raining....
It’s raining outside. How appropriate for my mood right now. Things have been really stressful lately. Of course, I’m dealing with the typical stress --- lack of sleep, too many bills, not enough money, too much laundry for any human being to keep up with, etc.
But, I’ve also got other things going on.
For example, I went in to work Monday and was told that my position is being eliminated. –That’s always fun isn’t it? I wasn’t really surprised, but I still felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. Thankfully, a fellow co-worker put her notice in so I was offered that position, which I took.
Now let me say that I fully realize that God was working for me. It’s obvious to me that He was preparing a way for me to keep a job, and most importantly my insurance coverage. I know this. However, for some reason I’m just not rebounding from this with a big smile on my face.
This is not my first time dealing with unexpected stresses. NO. Let me put it this way, if going through stressful situations was like going to college I would definitely have a masters degree by now, and be working on my doctorate.
But that is what makes my mood so strange. Usually, I handle stressful situations pretty well. While I’ve been known to have the occasional meltdown, or bout with the blues, it usually only last a day or two and I’m back on top. I’m basically a happy person. I’ve never been someone that struggles with depression.
I feel like I’m standing on the brink. I feel like it would be really easy to just let myself fall.
I’m going to be real honest....I like to be in control. There I said it! “Hi, my name is Charmaine…Hi Charmaine…..and I’m a control freak” …..clap clap clap
I hate this! I do not like not understanding my own emotions, or how to deal with them! Most of the time lately I feel like I’m completely loosing my mind!
Is this just too much built up stress that I haven’t dealt with? Is this lack of sleep? Is this hormones? Is this early menopause? –seriously, I’ve been having some major hot flashes.
I don’t know what the deal is, but I DO NOT LIKE IT.
I feel better just writing about it. Maybe that’s what I need. I don’t really have one friend that I fully trust to share my true emotions with.
So here I am publishing them on the web. OH, that’s nice. I’m more comfortable being honest with faceless strangers than people in my life. Therapy anyone?
Ok, enough for now. –yes, I realize I things are getting too real so I’m shutting down.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I will leave you with a funny, but true anecdote about an experience I had last month. It will give you a glimpse into my dementia……
It was somewhere around 6:00 am, and I was on my way to work. It was still pitch black outside, it was raining buckets, and super windy. I may have been pms-ing just a little J
I stopped at a red light, and saw the Dunkin’ Donuts sign. Hmm, it’s been foreeeever since I’ve had a donut. So I turned right and pulled in the drive thru. I was craving a donut called a long john. Do you know what that is? I’m sure you do….it is a long rectangle donut filled with white cream, and icing on top. Everybody knows what a long john is….except the lady in the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru that morning!
So I pulled up to the speaker/ screen and started looking for a “long john”.
I heard the lady ask what I wanted so I rolled down my window. Wind blew the rain in so hard I couldn’t see. Squinting and being rained on I said
“I would like a long john, but I don’t see that on your menu. Do you have those?”
“One iced cappuccino is that all?” What? Who said anything about that?
“No, I said I would like a long john. Do you have those?”
More rain, more wind, freezing cold, wet, can’t see…..
“um, what did you say you want?”
“I’ll just pull to the window”
“NO! Don’t pull up; I’ll take your order. Just tell me what you want!”
“ Okaaaay, I said I want a LONG JOHN. Do. You. Have. Those.”
“What’s that?” Sigh…I describe it.
“Uh, no I, well, I don’t know, “
By now I am wet, cold, and wind blown…. “I’m going to pull up, and tell you.”
“No! I think I know. It has pudding in it.”
“No, it doesn’t have pudding, it has cream. You know what? I’m pulling up”
“What? What was that? Just tell me what you want.”
Ok, did I slip into the twilight zone? Am I being punked? Why doesn’t this girl want me to pull up?!!! I pull up anyway.
She opens the window. I am very obviously frustrated.
With a very pissy attitude she says “oh we have what you want.”
Ok, good. I take a deep breath, bite my tongue, and hand her the money. She hands me the bag, and says
“It’s just that that donut isn’t called a long john.”
Excuse me? If there is one thing in this world I know it is food. “Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not. We call them…blah blah”
“Well, that’s nice, but here in --insert city – we call them long johns.”
She starts to argue, and I cut her off. Now I’m completely ticked off. I mean for the LOVE of pete! All I wanted was a freakin’ donut. So I say “and by the way, the next time a customer wants to pull up to the window…let them! In case you haven’t noticed its pouring rain, and g-force winds outside!”
“Well there’s no reason to pull up. You get just as wet up here as you do there.”
Are you serious?! All the blood ran to my head, and I lost my mind……
“Really? Look at me! My arm and face is soaked!”
I stick my arm out
“look, I don’t see any rain getting on me!”
I point up
“See that? That’s called an awning. It keeps you from getting wet! And you don’t have one back there!”
She starts to argue with me again… I put my hand up in her face, and yell
“Do not argue with me! I am the customer! The customer is ALWAYS right! It’s called customer service sweetheart!”
And I drove off.
About 30 seconds later I thought “oh my gosh, I have COMPLETELY lost my mind”
When I got to work I looked in the bag….it wasn’t even the right donut….of course!
Hope you enjoyed the chuckle. One day I’ll probably log on the net, and see that Dunkin’ Donuts has released the video clip of this incident….I’ll be famous!
But, I’ve also got other things going on.
For example, I went in to work Monday and was told that my position is being eliminated. –That’s always fun isn’t it? I wasn’t really surprised, but I still felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. Thankfully, a fellow co-worker put her notice in so I was offered that position, which I took.
Now let me say that I fully realize that God was working for me. It’s obvious to me that He was preparing a way for me to keep a job, and most importantly my insurance coverage. I know this. However, for some reason I’m just not rebounding from this with a big smile on my face.
This is not my first time dealing with unexpected stresses. NO. Let me put it this way, if going through stressful situations was like going to college I would definitely have a masters degree by now, and be working on my doctorate.
But that is what makes my mood so strange. Usually, I handle stressful situations pretty well. While I’ve been known to have the occasional meltdown, or bout with the blues, it usually only last a day or two and I’m back on top. I’m basically a happy person. I’ve never been someone that struggles with depression.
I feel like I’m standing on the brink. I feel like it would be really easy to just let myself fall.
I’m going to be real honest....I like to be in control. There I said it! “Hi, my name is Charmaine…Hi Charmaine…..and I’m a control freak” …..clap clap clap
I hate this! I do not like not understanding my own emotions, or how to deal with them! Most of the time lately I feel like I’m completely loosing my mind!
Is this just too much built up stress that I haven’t dealt with? Is this lack of sleep? Is this hormones? Is this early menopause? –seriously, I’ve been having some major hot flashes.
I don’t know what the deal is, but I DO NOT LIKE IT.
I feel better just writing about it. Maybe that’s what I need. I don’t really have one friend that I fully trust to share my true emotions with.
So here I am publishing them on the web. OH, that’s nice. I’m more comfortable being honest with faceless strangers than people in my life. Therapy anyone?
Ok, enough for now. –yes, I realize I things are getting too real so I’m shutting down.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I will leave you with a funny, but true anecdote about an experience I had last month. It will give you a glimpse into my dementia……
It was somewhere around 6:00 am, and I was on my way to work. It was still pitch black outside, it was raining buckets, and super windy. I may have been pms-ing just a little J
I stopped at a red light, and saw the Dunkin’ Donuts sign. Hmm, it’s been foreeeever since I’ve had a donut. So I turned right and pulled in the drive thru. I was craving a donut called a long john. Do you know what that is? I’m sure you do….it is a long rectangle donut filled with white cream, and icing on top. Everybody knows what a long john is….except the lady in the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru that morning!
So I pulled up to the speaker/ screen and started looking for a “long john”.
I heard the lady ask what I wanted so I rolled down my window. Wind blew the rain in so hard I couldn’t see. Squinting and being rained on I said
“I would like a long john, but I don’t see that on your menu. Do you have those?”
“One iced cappuccino is that all?” What? Who said anything about that?
“No, I said I would like a long john. Do you have those?”
More rain, more wind, freezing cold, wet, can’t see…..
“um, what did you say you want?”
“I’ll just pull to the window”
“NO! Don’t pull up; I’ll take your order. Just tell me what you want!”
“ Okaaaay, I said I want a LONG JOHN. Do. You. Have. Those.”
“What’s that?” Sigh…I describe it.
“Uh, no I, well, I don’t know, “
By now I am wet, cold, and wind blown…. “I’m going to pull up, and tell you.”
“No! I think I know. It has pudding in it.”
“No, it doesn’t have pudding, it has cream. You know what? I’m pulling up”
“What? What was that? Just tell me what you want.”
Ok, did I slip into the twilight zone? Am I being punked? Why doesn’t this girl want me to pull up?!!! I pull up anyway.
She opens the window. I am very obviously frustrated.
With a very pissy attitude she says “oh we have what you want.”
Ok, good. I take a deep breath, bite my tongue, and hand her the money. She hands me the bag, and says
“It’s just that that donut isn’t called a long john.”
Excuse me? If there is one thing in this world I know it is food. “Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not. We call them…blah blah”
“Well, that’s nice, but here in --insert city – we call them long johns.”
She starts to argue, and I cut her off. Now I’m completely ticked off. I mean for the LOVE of pete! All I wanted was a freakin’ donut. So I say “and by the way, the next time a customer wants to pull up to the window…let them! In case you haven’t noticed its pouring rain, and g-force winds outside!”
“Well there’s no reason to pull up. You get just as wet up here as you do there.”
Are you serious?! All the blood ran to my head, and I lost my mind……
“Really? Look at me! My arm and face is soaked!”
I stick my arm out
“look, I don’t see any rain getting on me!”
I point up
“See that? That’s called an awning. It keeps you from getting wet! And you don’t have one back there!”
She starts to argue with me again… I put my hand up in her face, and yell
“Do not argue with me! I am the customer! The customer is ALWAYS right! It’s called customer service sweetheart!”
And I drove off.
About 30 seconds later I thought “oh my gosh, I have COMPLETELY lost my mind”
When I got to work I looked in the bag….it wasn’t even the right donut….of course!
Hope you enjoyed the chuckle. One day I’ll probably log on the net, and see that Dunkin’ Donuts has released the video clip of this incident….I’ll be famous!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mother's Day reflections, and revelations
Mother’s Day….this week was very reflective for me, and full of some small revelations.
This year I noticed that the media likes to depict mothers as super heroes with special strength. Guess what? I do not have super powers. I do possess special strength, but it mostly evolves around my ability to multi task, answer a million questions a day, and watch the same movie over and over without going brain dead.
This week I realized that I’m a very different mother now than when I became a mother 10 years ago. Therefore, I am much more relaxed with my youngest child than I was with my oldest at the same age.
This week I realized that Alivia is standing on the threshold of adolescence. My “tom boy” is evolving. Friday night we were rushing out the door, and because it was getting a bit cooler I grabbed a long sleeve shirt and told her to change. She didn’t like my choice. I asserted my authority, and said she HAD to put it on. This started an argument, and suddenly she burst into tears. What? Since when did she care what she wore? Since when did the color or style matter? And since when does she cry? She’s never been a crier.
We resolved it, but after it was over, and I had time to replay it in my mind I realized what it means….she and I are on the brink of a new phase in our relationship. I have to tread lightly to be sure I don’t overpower her, but yet steer her in the right direction.
Good grief. Am I ready for this????????? God give me strength. Super hero strength.
This week I realized what a sweet heart my Tanner boy is. Actually, I have always known this, but all the sudden he is so grown up. This week I caught a glimpse of the wonderful young man is soon to become. Our church is remodeling our fellowship hall, and my 8 year old son accompanied my husband on a “work day”. Apparently, Tanner worked so hard, and helped so much that our pastor felt the need to thank him from the pulpit.
Tanner, in his typical way, was shy, and simply smiled. Scott and I were literally busting!
This week I realized my baby is growing up. It was a really small thing, but it meant so much.
We went to Wal-mart, just Riley and I. I pushed the cart to the car with him securely holding on while we navigated the parking lot. After he helped me put everything in the car I told him to hop in while I put the cart in the corral. Immediately he grabbed the cart, and said he wanted to do that. I looked around, and since the parking lot was pretty quiet I said ok. I stood there and watched my 6 year old, my baby, pushing a cart, and all the sudden I realized that he was a big kid now. Not a baby.
I don’t know why something so silly struck me this way, but it did. Ugh. When our kids are little we can’t wait for them to be potty trained, and a little more independent. Then it happens –overnight- and your standing in a Wal-mart parking lot watching them put away a cart, and the pit in your stomach is so big all you can say is ….. Ugh.
So that was my mother’s day. Full of reflection and some small revelations.
This year I noticed that the media likes to depict mothers as super heroes with special strength. Guess what? I do not have super powers. I do possess special strength, but it mostly evolves around my ability to multi task, answer a million questions a day, and watch the same movie over and over without going brain dead.
This week I realized that I’m a very different mother now than when I became a mother 10 years ago. Therefore, I am much more relaxed with my youngest child than I was with my oldest at the same age.
This week I realized that Alivia is standing on the threshold of adolescence. My “tom boy” is evolving. Friday night we were rushing out the door, and because it was getting a bit cooler I grabbed a long sleeve shirt and told her to change. She didn’t like my choice. I asserted my authority, and said she HAD to put it on. This started an argument, and suddenly she burst into tears. What? Since when did she care what she wore? Since when did the color or style matter? And since when does she cry? She’s never been a crier.
We resolved it, but after it was over, and I had time to replay it in my mind I realized what it means….she and I are on the brink of a new phase in our relationship. I have to tread lightly to be sure I don’t overpower her, but yet steer her in the right direction.
Good grief. Am I ready for this????????? God give me strength. Super hero strength.
This week I realized what a sweet heart my Tanner boy is. Actually, I have always known this, but all the sudden he is so grown up. This week I caught a glimpse of the wonderful young man is soon to become. Our church is remodeling our fellowship hall, and my 8 year old son accompanied my husband on a “work day”. Apparently, Tanner worked so hard, and helped so much that our pastor felt the need to thank him from the pulpit.
Tanner, in his typical way, was shy, and simply smiled. Scott and I were literally busting!
This week I realized my baby is growing up. It was a really small thing, but it meant so much.
We went to Wal-mart, just Riley and I. I pushed the cart to the car with him securely holding on while we navigated the parking lot. After he helped me put everything in the car I told him to hop in while I put the cart in the corral. Immediately he grabbed the cart, and said he wanted to do that. I looked around, and since the parking lot was pretty quiet I said ok. I stood there and watched my 6 year old, my baby, pushing a cart, and all the sudden I realized that he was a big kid now. Not a baby.
I don’t know why something so silly struck me this way, but it did. Ugh. When our kids are little we can’t wait for them to be potty trained, and a little more independent. Then it happens –overnight- and your standing in a Wal-mart parking lot watching them put away a cart, and the pit in your stomach is so big all you can say is ….. Ugh.
So that was my mother’s day. Full of reflection and some small revelations.
Friday, May 9, 2008
I'm Tired
I am so tired.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of not getting enough sleep. I’m tired of alarm clocks.
I’m tired of petty people. I’m tired of men that think they’re smarter than me simply because they are male.
I’m tired of watching the rich get richer. I’m tired of working my butt off, and still never having any money. I’m tired of wearing the same 2 pairs of pants, and 3 – 4 shirts in rotation.
I’m tired of packing lunches. I’m tired of homework. I’m tired of field trips I can’t go on because I’m a working mother. I’m tired of mother’s guilt.
I’m tired of cooking. I’m tired of cleaning. I’m tired of dirty dishes. I’m tired of laundry.
I’m tired of the same 5 songs on the radio.
I’m tired of the bad news on T.V.
I’m tired of high gas prices.
I’m tired of allergies. I’m tired of asthma. I’m tired of expensive medicine. I’m tired of hospital tests, and blood work.
I’m tired of feeling old, and unattractive.
I’m just really tired of being tired.
I am exhausted.
I will continue to rely on God’s strength.
I will continue hanging on to God’s words for me.
“I shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever she does shall prosper.” Psalm 1:3
I will continue…..
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of not getting enough sleep. I’m tired of alarm clocks.
I’m tired of petty people. I’m tired of men that think they’re smarter than me simply because they are male.
I’m tired of watching the rich get richer. I’m tired of working my butt off, and still never having any money. I’m tired of wearing the same 2 pairs of pants, and 3 – 4 shirts in rotation.
I’m tired of packing lunches. I’m tired of homework. I’m tired of field trips I can’t go on because I’m a working mother. I’m tired of mother’s guilt.
I’m tired of cooking. I’m tired of cleaning. I’m tired of dirty dishes. I’m tired of laundry.
I’m tired of the same 5 songs on the radio.
I’m tired of the bad news on T.V.
I’m tired of high gas prices.
I’m tired of allergies. I’m tired of asthma. I’m tired of expensive medicine. I’m tired of hospital tests, and blood work.
I’m tired of feeling old, and unattractive.
I’m just really tired of being tired.
I am exhausted.
I will continue to rely on God’s strength.
I will continue hanging on to God’s words for me.
“I shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever she does shall prosper.” Psalm 1:3
I will continue…..
Friday, May 2, 2008
What's in a name?
Let's talk about why I named this blog Moment ~by~ Moment.
Moments can change everything. Our lives, in fact, our millions of moments strung together. We all know this, but we don't have full knowledge of this until one of those moments changes everything.I've had plenty of changing moments. Some good. Some bad. Some that were literally like running smack into a brick wall that popped out of nowhere.
Fourteen years ago, at the tender age of 19, I got married. I was a single young woman, and in one moment I became a wife. Lord, I had NO IDEA what I was in for! Moments...
Ten years ago, in a moment at 10:59 p.m., I became a mother. My daughter, Sunshine was born. Two years later my son, Tenderheart, was born. Two more years later, my next son, Peanut, was born. Moments...moments...moments...
Sunshine's hands were always cold. They were always blue. Her skin was shinny, and her joints a little swollen. The dr. said we needed to keep an eye on her. Moments...
Tenderheart developed asthma, and Peanut has horrible food allergies. I had to learn how to be a nurse, and cook in a completely different way. Moments....
Then the big life changing moment came. Sunshine was 7, and her dr. called. It's NEVER good when the dr. calls. We went to his office, and he asked the nurse to take Sunshine to another room -not good- he starts talking.....Sunshine's latest bloodwork showed it's official.....she has an auto immune disease called Scleroderma. Moments...
What? What did he say? Is he speaking english? Suddenly I was floating above the room. I watched the scene unfold below me, and tried to understand the Dr. What’s going on? None of this is making sense. Then I remember my husband is with me. Where is he? Oh, there he is. He’s talking now. He’s asking a question. What’s he saying? I can’t understand him either! Why can’t I understand my husband? I look at him and realize it’s because he’s crying. He’s crying. My husband is crying. –not good- Wait a minute I hear English. Husband is asking a question. He’s saying words like – how…long….have…..the dr. answers, and I’m back in my body. Every word he says is sinking in…..”We have no way of knowing for sure. Could be early teens. I will do everything in my power to give your daughter as long a life as possible.” Moments…
That was three years ago. That was the beginning of my journey to realizing that the building blocks of life are moments...
Sunshine’s strength amazes me. I remember the night she asked me if she was going to die. She didn’t even cry. Moments…
In her 4th grade class last year they had an exercise in acceptance. The students were to anonymously write down one characteristic about themselves that their fellow students didn’t know. The teacher told me that Sunshine’s card read: I have a disease. Moments….
She always smiles. She always laughs. Last summer we went to see a world renowned specialist on her disease. Sunshine got to take her first airplane ride! That was a moment! The dr. gave us great news! She is in the limited category of her disease. He said she could stop most of her medications. Then Husband asked the dr. to step outside the room. I knew what he was doing. He was asking the big question. My heart was pounding. Pounding. I inhaled deeply, and held my breath. Sunshine and I sat silently in the room staring at each other. She was trying to absorb this new information. I was trying desperately to hear what was going on just outside the room. The door opened and I searched Husband’s face. He was smiling. I exhaled. Moments…..
The dr. answered Husband’s question like this….” Your daughter should live to be an old woman. She can have children if she chooses. And, maybe, when she’s 72 she might have a little more trouble than most getting over pneumonia.” Whoo hoo!!!!! Moments.....
Today Sunshine is a healthy happy 10 ½ year old. Tenderheart hasn’t had an asthma attack in a year, and Peanut is little (hence the name), but very feisty!
The moments continue to click by, and I continue to take them in, savor them, survive them, grow from them, and change from them, every single day.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now. Whew! That was a lot! Let me just tell you really quickly about a moment I had last night……
The kids ate supper, and ran back outside to enjoy the weather. I was starting on the dishes when Husband came inside for a second. On his way back out the door he said “Man, did you see this floor? The kids really made a mess on the floor in here! It needs swept really bad.”
Oh, gee thanks. Add that to my list. I went back to the dishes. A few minutes later a noise behind me startled me out of deep thoughts. I turned around to see Peanut emptying the dust pan in the garbage. “What are you doing?” “I swept the floor.” “You did?! Did daddy tell you to do that?” “No.”
I have no words. I looked at him for a minute ….
then I high fived him, and said “Well, ROCK ON LITTLE MAN!” To which he responded in giggles. He gave me a quick grab the legs hug, and ran outside.
Moments…..
Those are the moments I LOOOOVE, and hope I never forget.
Much love,
W3
Moments can change everything. Our lives, in fact, our millions of moments strung together. We all know this, but we don't have full knowledge of this until one of those moments changes everything.I've had plenty of changing moments. Some good. Some bad. Some that were literally like running smack into a brick wall that popped out of nowhere.
Fourteen years ago, at the tender age of 19, I got married. I was a single young woman, and in one moment I became a wife. Lord, I had NO IDEA what I was in for! Moments...
Ten years ago, in a moment at 10:59 p.m., I became a mother. My daughter, Sunshine was born. Two years later my son, Tenderheart, was born. Two more years later, my next son, Peanut, was born. Moments...moments...moments...
Sunshine's hands were always cold. They were always blue. Her skin was shinny, and her joints a little swollen. The dr. said we needed to keep an eye on her. Moments...
Tenderheart developed asthma, and Peanut has horrible food allergies. I had to learn how to be a nurse, and cook in a completely different way. Moments....
Then the big life changing moment came. Sunshine was 7, and her dr. called. It's NEVER good when the dr. calls. We went to his office, and he asked the nurse to take Sunshine to another room -not good- he starts talking.....Sunshine's latest bloodwork showed it's official.....she has an auto immune disease called Scleroderma. Moments...
What? What did he say? Is he speaking english? Suddenly I was floating above the room. I watched the scene unfold below me, and tried to understand the Dr. What’s going on? None of this is making sense. Then I remember my husband is with me. Where is he? Oh, there he is. He’s talking now. He’s asking a question. What’s he saying? I can’t understand him either! Why can’t I understand my husband? I look at him and realize it’s because he’s crying. He’s crying. My husband is crying. –not good- Wait a minute I hear English. Husband is asking a question. He’s saying words like – how…long….have…..the dr. answers, and I’m back in my body. Every word he says is sinking in…..”We have no way of knowing for sure. Could be early teens. I will do everything in my power to give your daughter as long a life as possible.” Moments…
That was three years ago. That was the beginning of my journey to realizing that the building blocks of life are moments...
Sunshine’s strength amazes me. I remember the night she asked me if she was going to die. She didn’t even cry. Moments…
In her 4th grade class last year they had an exercise in acceptance. The students were to anonymously write down one characteristic about themselves that their fellow students didn’t know. The teacher told me that Sunshine’s card read: I have a disease. Moments….
She always smiles. She always laughs. Last summer we went to see a world renowned specialist on her disease. Sunshine got to take her first airplane ride! That was a moment! The dr. gave us great news! She is in the limited category of her disease. He said she could stop most of her medications. Then Husband asked the dr. to step outside the room. I knew what he was doing. He was asking the big question. My heart was pounding. Pounding. I inhaled deeply, and held my breath. Sunshine and I sat silently in the room staring at each other. She was trying to absorb this new information. I was trying desperately to hear what was going on just outside the room. The door opened and I searched Husband’s face. He was smiling. I exhaled. Moments…..
The dr. answered Husband’s question like this….” Your daughter should live to be an old woman. She can have children if she chooses. And, maybe, when she’s 72 she might have a little more trouble than most getting over pneumonia.” Whoo hoo!!!!! Moments.....
Today Sunshine is a healthy happy 10 ½ year old. Tenderheart hasn’t had an asthma attack in a year, and Peanut is little (hence the name), but very feisty!
The moments continue to click by, and I continue to take them in, savor them, survive them, grow from them, and change from them, every single day.
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Now. Whew! That was a lot! Let me just tell you really quickly about a moment I had last night……
The kids ate supper, and ran back outside to enjoy the weather. I was starting on the dishes when Husband came inside for a second. On his way back out the door he said “Man, did you see this floor? The kids really made a mess on the floor in here! It needs swept really bad.”
Oh, gee thanks. Add that to my list. I went back to the dishes. A few minutes later a noise behind me startled me out of deep thoughts. I turned around to see Peanut emptying the dust pan in the garbage. “What are you doing?” “I swept the floor.” “You did?! Did daddy tell you to do that?” “No.”
I have no words. I looked at him for a minute ….
then I high fived him, and said “Well, ROCK ON LITTLE MAN!” To which he responded in giggles. He gave me a quick grab the legs hug, and ran outside.
Moments…..
Those are the moments I LOOOOVE, and hope I never forget.
Much love,
W3
Thursday, May 1, 2008
What's new?!
Well, here I am writing my first blog entry EVER. Isn't this cool? Ok, I was 13 there for a minute. I have to admit I never thought I would have a blog. When some people I knew a few years ago started blogging, I thought it sounded like a waste of time. Oh, what a change 10 years makes! I have always loved to write down my thoughts, in high school I was the "note" queen. Over the last few years writing has become a way I can find release. Up until now I have jotted down my thoughts on scraps here and there with the intentions of putting them all together in a notebook -someday. Finally, I realized THIS would be a good thing. So.....here I am. For the sake of annonimity I have decided to refer to myself as W3. <-- don't ask!
Now...drum roll please.....I will offically post my first entry......it will be called........
"My Tree"
My tree....my beloved tree....my faaaaavorite tree where I have taken a TON of pictures of all my babies, and of just the beautiful old tree itself for over 10 years now..... was brutally cut down this weekend! :) Seriously, I went over to my in laws, and my mother in law said to me..."W3, I have some bad news. I think the neighbor had your tree cut down yesterday." I about had a stroke right there in the kitchen. I literally ran down the lane (well ok, not literally) and sure enough they had hacked it all up like a bad horror movie!!! -Nightmare on ---- Rd.! Apparently the beautiful monument of nature had died over the winter. I stood there in the grass, and for a moment the birds stopped chirping, and the wind was still. Ok, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic -who me?
But the fact is my beautiful 'ol tree is forever gone. Living on only in my memory, and the millions of pictures I took........ :(
Memories.... from the corner of my mind....misty water colored memories of the way we were.....scattered pictures.......
Now...drum roll please.....I will offically post my first entry......it will be called........
"My Tree"
My tree....my beloved tree....my faaaaavorite tree where I have taken a TON of pictures of all my babies, and of just the beautiful old tree itself for over 10 years now..... was brutally cut down this weekend! :) Seriously, I went over to my in laws, and my mother in law said to me..."W3, I have some bad news. I think the neighbor had your tree cut down yesterday." I about had a stroke right there in the kitchen. I literally ran down the lane (well ok, not literally) and sure enough they had hacked it all up like a bad horror movie!!! -Nightmare on ---- Rd.! Apparently the beautiful monument of nature had died over the winter. I stood there in the grass, and for a moment the birds stopped chirping, and the wind was still. Ok, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic -who me?
But the fact is my beautiful 'ol tree is forever gone. Living on only in my memory, and the millions of pictures I took........ :(
Memories.... from the corner of my mind....misty water colored memories of the way we were.....scattered pictures.......
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